Friday update

[sarahbyrdd]

No change with the MA'rents.  Dad's still at home, stepmonster is still in the hospital, no sign of a biopsy on the horizon.  TH's wife, SDH has been down for a visit and will be returning on Monday.  I encouraged Dad to unleash her on the hospital personnel to get some information about the diagnosis, prognosis, possible treatment, etc..  Having just done a few rounds with the Big C herself, I think SDH knows the right questions to ask and can work the system for the 'rents.  Good.

I had a good long talk with my friend R last night, and he was able to ask the right questions to bring out what was buzzing around in my head.  It boils down to 1) feeling overwhelmed by potentially being put in the position of taking care of the drunks and cleaning up their mess (which is going to be enormous as they have, to my knowledge, other than write wills, done no end of life/long term disability planning); 2) which I greatly resent having done everything I could from age 8 on to cause them the least amount of bother; and 3) it's bad maners to leave a mess behind you for other people to clean up.  Another example of the stunning selfishness of addicts.  

I'm angry.  i'm feeling vindictive.  None of this is very attractive, and I guess it's because I am fundamentally a caring person that I can't quite convince myself to just wash my hands of the whole situation, but it's tempting.  And I don't LIKE feeling angry and vindictive, but I can't find much charity in my heart for a woman who's been actively nasty to me for 36 years or so, and a father who's let this go on and wounded me with neglect in other ways over the years.  Oh yeah, and by the way, I'm angry.

Comments

Honey...

[konstanze1.livejournal.com]

being angry and wanting to wash your hands of the situation does not make you NOT a caring person. It makes you a caring person who has cared for years and been rebuffed constantly. Enough rejection and even YOU will finally detach and back away...and, in the end, do what's healthy for YOU.

I love you a lot.

K