So. I’ve made it through another weekend with the ‘rents.

[sarahbyrdd]

My stepmonster is still not smoking, going on 4 months. Good for her. She is still drinking. She has a check-up with her GP today, and I’ll be calling to follow up with them tomorrow about that.

My father is drinking and not really eating. The gin was flowing by 11 am both mornings. He had some breakfast on Saturday, and lunch, but no dinner. Sunday he had a piece of melon and nothing else but booze as of my departure around 5pm. His mobility has deteriorated to the point where getting from the house to the curb exhausts him and all other portions of out of house trips are done with a wheelchair. He still has a dressing on his leg for the celluitis that he’s been battling since the winter (and before). Because of the dressing he can’t take showers. The stepmonster says that he’s also having issues with incontinence. He’ll be going to the Leahy Clinic on 7/28 to have his knee evaluated for replacement surgery. Great. A bionic knee would take care of that particular pain, but will do nothing to stem the neuropathy that’s the main problem with his mobility. Neuropathy is a typical result of long term alcohol abuse. Drinking also suppresses the immune system, so by continuing to drink he’s hampering his body’s ability to heal the celluitis and from recovering any potential surgery. I suspect they’ll look at his films, say “Yep, there’s nothing left of that knee! You’re going to have to dry out before we can do anything else!”

Yesterday, when my father refused to accompany us to brunch my stepmonster and I had an interesting talk, in which 1) she complained about my father just sitting around, doing nothing, and letting the mail/bills pile up, 2) badgered me to visit more/longer, 3) I reminded her that in the 13 years I was living elsewhere they managed to visit me 3 times, 4) I resisted smacking her for interest accrued (really, I’m not a violent person); 4) I suggested that the time had come that she take a more active role in the bill paying and suggested how she might go about it, 5) suggested that in addition to being in pain and drunk my father was more than likely depressed and maybe he should get treated for that as well as the various physical issues.

There was hardly any food in the house. When I took my stepmonster to run errands, she bought gin, not food. The house smells of old man funk, and the parts that they actually use (kitchen, bedroom, back office) are getting increasingly squalid.

I met the last member of their self-formed “support team”, Tom, who often drives for them. I like this guy. He seems to be very solicitous of my father and trying to nudge them towards making sensible decisions. He accompanied us to the Music Festival concerts and helped maneuver my dad in and out of the wheelchair.

At yesterday’s concert, during the first piece, I looked over at my father and I could see that he was choking back tears. I’m not sure what was coming up for him. I held his hand for a bit, and by the second piece it had passed.

Dad’s hair also badly needs washing and cutting. I think I enlisted Tom to get him to a barber sometime soon. He was looking all bedraggled when we were about to leave for the concert, so I grabbed his brush and brushed his hair for him. I’m furious that the stepmonster only bitches at him that his hair is too long, but doesn’t do anything to solve the problem.

I’ll be going up for another weekend in late August. They would like me to stay longer. Between now and then I’m going to have to tell them that while I’ll continue to visit, and do so every other month or so, I’m not going to stay any longer than a weekend because that’s about all I can take of watching them self-destruct. 

Under the best of circumstance feeling like you’re checking on your aging parents adequately but still maintaining a life has got to be difficult. When the situation is complicated by long term alcohol abuse where’s the line between doing what you can to help them and getting sucked into "cleaning up after the drunks"? I feel like if I’m going to lay down the law and do what I need to protect my sanity in this situation I have to be prepared for them severing the relationship. I doubt that’s what will happen, but that’s what the stakes feel like. 

Comments

[cvirtue.livejournal.com]

I hear you. Dad was rather like that, but at least he didn't have a dysfunctional partner to make it worse. He had cellulitus, depression, squalor, drinking. At least he ate. Some.

Can they afford a cleaning person?

[sarahbyrdd.livejournal.com]

They can and do afford a cleaning woman, handy man and driver. The cleaning woman gets barked at if she goes into the office, and the kitchen and bedroom are clean but the clutter, etc. is building in from the edges.

[katybirdtroy.livejournal.com]

Personally, I would call your dad, tell him you're setting up a cleaning team and that he is paying for it. Period. Make him give you a cc#. You might also get Tom's number and arrange for him to drive your Dad to the barber with stepmonster accompanying and do it when the cleaning team is coming...like, leave the team or cleaning person in the house with instructions to clean the area that is out of hand. Additionally, can you see if there is a home health help group that can send, for a fee or on their insurance, someone to the home to bathe him?

Tell them this is what you are doing for them in place of the week visit. That they have to take care of themselves but that you ARE helping them and this is for their good.

[sarahbyrdd.livejournal.com]

Hooking them up with a home health aid had crossed my mind. This was something that I did some initial investigation of last year, but clearly the time has come. There's no one on the current team who's capable of giving that level of care, and Dad's going to need more and more of it. Good idea.