(no subject)

[sarahbyrdd]

I had a thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting tonight, but I seem to be putting off that particular mental housecleaning in favor of some actual cleaning around the Not So Secret Hideaway, but there's still buzzing in my head:

--I do not do confrontation well, especially with Dad and the Stepmonster.  My defense mechanism throughout the years has been to rock the boat as little as possible, fly under the radar, adapt local camoflage, i.e., not mention my essentially liberal political leanings, dress conservatively, read books and keep my nose down around them.  I am not fully ME when I'm around them.  There have been times when I've been more and less me, but I never feel unconstrained.  I'm always on the watch, tensed for the next forgotten promise or barbed comment. 

--Especially since they both became too infirm to deal with the boat (now thankfully sold) there is little or no group activity in that house, even when I'm around.  Parallel play is the norm in that house, not that there's anything specifically wrong with that, but other than sit down to a meal (where the stepmonster will pick and drink and make noise about anyone actually enjoying the food) there are no group activies that I can discern, certainly not when I'm around.  This became especially pointed to me when I was sitting in Temple yesterday watching multiple generations of families worship together.  I'm not necessarily a fan of organized religion for myself, but I appreciate it as a community building tool. 

--If I were truly taking care of me I'd never set foot in that house again.  But I'm feeling like a schmuck for contemplating abandoning them in their infirmity.  If I were going to take a stand shouldn't I have done it years ago, before things got difficult?  Am I just being a wimp wanting to walk away when things get hard?  At some point almost every parent is going to get infirm and difficult, why should their being alcoholics give me a free pass out of the situation?  I will be cursed if I walk away.  If I don't, there is no reward, I will never be thanked.

--In my after-the-fact fantasy, when the Stepmonster says "I think you should visit us,"  I respond, "I think you both should stop drinking, get therapy, and move to a safer house or asssited living.  Looks like neither of us are getting what we want."  Lady, you chose to be in a co-dependent relationship with a fellow alcholic, I am not here to amuse you or rescue you from the situation. 

--I'm considering combining a visit with kvirtue with an afternoon checking in on them at the end of the month.  The idea of going back to that house makes me feel all backed into a corner and panicky.  Do I face down demons, walk away, or bring reinforcements?Edit:  Mom came over for some emergency shrinking.  Doing better.  Not looking forward to what I have to do, but doing better.